Tuesday, 24 April 2007

"Get On Side"

Stairs from the Sky
"Our Forgotten One WithIn"

Being Sunday I decided it could be our turn to make a call via our Blog to say “Gidday you Blokes” hope you are doing ok and life since Halko Weiss and Hakomi is treating you with renewed self love and compassion for all your wisdom.
For me the biggest and primary exercise of my life is to remain mindful in every moment, such a statement is easy to say, write, think about and should just naturally happen, however the psychologically adopted trance, unconsciously acquired through self indoctrination, of the first 54.5 years of my life and the rest of mans evolutionary rise, just repeatedly think they have the right to rule over me forever. Until the real forgotten me “the referee within” sends in a big wake up call to “get on side” with the rest of my team.
I was give one of these very timely wake up whistles yesterday when my mindfulness gave way to Newton’s gravitational laws of the universe. My feet, in a split second appeared above my head as I slipped and bounced down about 12 of our 17 stairs. I think I stepped on the first, then skied over the 2nd and 3rd, as I gained pace I seemed momentarily to be getting further off into the air. Well that was until the left side of my torso collided in an insane attempt to “paper, rock, scissors’ the fine Terrazzo stairs case, from then on it was moguls, stairs and stars with a moment of overwhelming darkness. Fortunately I did not hit my head as the observer rode this off the rails, real life, Ghost train till it stopped.
Simply amazing just how fast my life of self condemnation flashed past in a really overloaded moment of genuine shock and terror. Initially, an emotional and bodily ‘tsunami’, fear, terror, loss, guilt shame, shock, searching my body for correction, balance, order, the exact loci of the overwhelm sensation, virtually asking had I been shot? What is happening to me? So extreme was the sensual accumulation it was beyond cognitive management or explanation, a formerly unlisted entry joining limbic awareness library.
In one moment a flush of intense embarrassment signaled in. Panic, So immediately I looked around to see if I had been seen. Shame, popped in with that too, to see who might be laughing at my stupidity.
“How stupid and clumsy are you?” (Talk about conditioning. That ruling critical voice of Composure/Control called “Get your self together, prepare for the next attack.” Re-Load that magazine”, “Back in line” “In the queue mate”)
Now stunned but aware that I was alive and could move as all life’s falls, tackles, failures and missed tackles flooded back to high vision, in this moment. Every cell of my body was being given a new opportunity to release 56 years of pent up retained abuse and pain. So very carefully I realigned my stair spread body to a sitting position to check my self out. Could I breathe through the pain? Recognise the tension? Let it go?
“Yes, let it go, keep breathing, and breathing, gradually I was able to reset my systems to a cope able body tremor externally observable from my shaking hands.
Carol, had heard and sensed fear within from the dull thud of this Duck landing out of water. She ventured to the landing to check her intuitive sense experienced from the strange sound to find me slumped over in my recovery position 15 stairs below. Immediately she was triggered to disassociated shock, her own over whelm kicked in, by her adopting immediate responsibility with self blame for my fall because earlier she had wash the stairs and my fancy Crocs “slip on” shoes have been so favoured they are now treadles slicks and slip on they certainly do, too well.
So then barefooted Carol arrives mortally tearful, apologizing profusely to me because in her mind she claims “It is all her fault because she did not think to tell me that the stairs might still be wet “. She sits holding me, reassuring me, whilst we both now settle and recognise the rapidly evoked moment.
Complete and totally distanced from the reality that I fell down the stairs simply because I was not mindful of the very moment beneath my feet, so preoccupied with guilt, shame, humiliation and embarrassment as I rushed to shift my car from the Chemists reserved parking spot where I had parked over night. (See the photo, symbolically my 'old' part was out through the gate, whilst Little me, the forgotten one, was left to battle the stairs)
After some convincing on my part, Carol permitted me to take a walk to see what was working and what was not, I returned after a few minutes ready to report the most painful regions, from hands, elbows, shoulders, ribs, hips, shins, ankles. Interestingly ego was happy to surrender. She then laid me flat on the floor and proceeded to virtually embalm me with ice packs and commanded I remain in that state until the systems settled.
Quite a therapy session has proceeded to evolve from this experience, after some 40 minutes my resistance did “chill” and amazingly my systems slowed enough for me to drop off to sleep. Then after a night in bed I report extensive bruising, incredible dreams of lost consciousness, mania, falling depression, and reconnecting with old friends who, for now seemed to have back down in surrendered relationships.
Yeah, I certainly loosened up a few cells in that there slippery “Ghost Ride”.
Here is a beautiful illustration of how we maybe influenced in our life.
As a Hakomi therapist I am more aware of the cyclical and symbolic values of these lessons. These exaggerated momentous experiences give volume to more subtle and delicate experiences to support and assist us to fully open and integrate the forgotten wisdom once more awakened in us by Hakomi/Halko Weiss training, therapy, especially so, the deepening of our personal relationship with our self generally lost, forgotten one within awaiting release.
Keep well, Love and Laugh,
Roll with nature and be your love able self.

Halko Weiss PhD

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